[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
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I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Natural selection at its finest
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.