If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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I love the honesty
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Jesus Christ lmao
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT