I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
kevin is now a local weatherman
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.