I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
This is amazing.