Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
You Might Also Like
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.