Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I like donuts.
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