You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Flowers bee like
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.