Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.