Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Well, that should do it
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
fired
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*