chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
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Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.