Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
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I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
They got a point!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*