Best misinterpreted text ever!
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Perfect
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)