Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life