My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow