A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.