My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?