Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
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I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Dune (2021)
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car