[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
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Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
don’t be scared
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
incredible text to wake up to
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?