i want the dreams to chase me for once
You Might Also Like
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.