pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Shower sex be like:
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Holy moly
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Flock of bats
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist