get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.