baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That鈥檚 pr–*thump*
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn鈥檛 take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I鈥檒l tell you when you鈥檙e older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that鈥檚 on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Just got a cramp in my side so that鈥檒l teach me for getting off the couch.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he鈥檚 being personally challenged.
confession: my gang鈥檚 nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Please don鈥檛 block me. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that鈥檚 literally all I drink
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that鈥檚 a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT