Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
You Might Also Like
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”