Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
You Might Also Like
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.