computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
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Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Breaking news:
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.