[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
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Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony