genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
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I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-