Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably