SPLOOT
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instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Peter Parker Peter Driver
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.