Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
the Monday after daylight savings
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?