Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”