People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
You Might Also Like
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.