[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system