5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man