barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
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Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
my first dose meeting my second
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
This could’ve been an email.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.