I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
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I feel seen.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?