Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
That’s what I call a flat tire
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“How’s your day going?”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”