ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.