Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”