If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”