“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
You Might Also Like
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
You make a compelling argument, Morty.