It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
You Might Also Like
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.