The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You Might Also Like
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Don’t we all.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?