[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…