Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??