“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.