I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?