I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
#MeanwhileinCanada
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”