(Electricians.)
You Might Also Like
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
*feels the wind in my toe hair
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you