Otters drive ottermobiles.
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One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Welcome to the stomach
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
car not found
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.